Photograph of Doug Lothes by Billy Howard
Written reflection by the photographer Billy Howard, explaining the powerful image above:
Twenty-one years ago, I photographed an anonymous person with HIV for a book I was working on, “Epitaphs for the Living: Words and Images in the Time of AIDS.” D, as he referred to himself, wished to remain anonymous, fearing that being identified would cause him to lose his job and his insurance, a loss he could hardly afford. Wishing to be unmasked, he suffered from the fear and ignorance of those who would judge him and chose to cloak his identity in deference to that reality. Over the course of the next two decades, most of the people - over 70 that I photographed for that book- have died. Many died before the book even came out and I went to a succession of memorial services in the years after, trying to keep in touch with the people I had grown close to and grieving as, one by one, I lost them to the horrendous disease.
They were the first to suffer from this plague, some diagnosed with GRID, Gay Related Immune Disorder, before AIDS was even a name, and all before the cocktails that have saved so many lives were invented. I had not heard from any of them for several years and my fear was they were all gone. This week I received an email from a friend who was meeting a man who said he was photographed by me for a book. It was D. Miraculously he has survived. He has not only survived, but thrived. He no longer fears the repercussions of a society that shunned him and has embraced both his life and his diagnosis. This morning, I photographed him again.
Anonymous has a name: Doug Lothes. Like a ghost he has come back into my life, reminding me once again of all the beautiful people I was honored to photograph for that project and giving me hope for the amazing resilience of the human spirit.
Twenty-one years ago, I photographed an anonymous person with HIV for a book I was working on, “Epitaphs for the Living: Words and Images in the Time of AIDS.” D, as he referred to himself, wished to remain anonymous, fearing that being identified would cause him to lose his job and his insurance, a loss he could hardly afford. Wishing to be unmasked, he suffered from the fear and ignorance of those who would judge him and chose to cloak his identity in deference to that reality. Over the course of the next two decades, most of the people - over 70 that I photographed for that book- have died. Many died before the book even came out and I went to a succession of memorial services in the years after, trying to keep in touch with the people I had grown close to and grieving as, one by one, I lost them to the horrendous disease.
They were the first to suffer from this plague, some diagnosed with GRID, Gay Related Immune Disorder, before AIDS was even a name, and all before the cocktails that have saved so many lives were invented. I had not heard from any of them for several years and my fear was they were all gone. This week I received an email from a friend who was meeting a man who said he was photographed by me for a book. It was D. Miraculously he has survived. He has not only survived, but thrived. He no longer fears the repercussions of a society that shunned him and has embraced both his life and his diagnosis. This morning, I photographed him again.
Anonymous has a name: Doug Lothes. Like a ghost he has come back into my life, reminding me once again of all the beautiful people I was honored to photograph for that project and giving me hope for the amazing resilience of the human spirit.
Doug Lothes Photographed by Billy Howard
A Conversation with Doug Lothes by Kiran Singh Sirah
Kiran: Could you tell me about yourself?
Doug: In 1958, I was born on a June Saturday morning in Charleston, West Virginia. That makes me a Gemini, for those interested in such things. I graduated from West Virginia University with a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Theatre (cum laude) and moved to the Big Apple, where I rarely worked as an actor, but mostly did office work in an advertising agency. Thank goodness I took that “touch typing” class in tenth grade! I have three older brothers. Our father died about a year after I was born, so our mother raised four sons in a time before single motherhood was fashionable. She was a very strong, smart, beautiful woman who sang operatic soprano leads with the Charleston Symphony. She taught voice and piano lessons in our home. After she passed away in 2008, a childhood friend who had taken piano lessons from her wrote to me, “Your mother could be, at one moment, utterly charming and, in the next, completely terrifying! She did not put up with laziness in her students.” Nor did she put up with much of anything from her sons – or anyone else. She taught me to stand up for myself when I am in the right and do not back down. It has been put to the test many times in my life. Speaking of tests, I tested HIV positive in September 1985, while living in New York City.
Kiran: What are you passionate about today?
Doug: I love my family and my friends, who are like an extended family to me. I am passionate about social and economic justice, as well as, a fair and transparent democracy. I am an Episcopalian with a deep, personal relationship with God – he’s usually right, by the way, which makes it a “complicated” relationship for me. Yet, it is the single most important relationship that sustains me. I love music, films (mostly classic ones), history, and travel. I’m passionate about the need for universal, pre-natal-to-palliative healthcare coverage for all Americans. We pay more money per capita for healthcare, yet have very poor results when compared to other nations with universal coverage.
Kiran: How would you describe some of the struggles that you have faced?
Doug: Since my HIV infection, the main struggle in my life has been securing and maintaining health insurance. Honestly, I have been extremely L-U-C-K-Y! My immune system fought the virus by itself, pretty much, for about 11 years. Then, I needed medication. Since it would be financially impossible for me to obtain a private insurance policy, I have had to be anchored to regular employment in office administration with companies large enough to carry me on their policies. I was trapped in a cycle of jobs that were not my calling to pay for healthcare to keep me alive to go to a job that was not my calling to pay for healthcare to keep me alive so I could go to a job…I have felt rather like Sisyphus for most of my adult life. Another ongoing struggle is the emotional toll of losing many friends and thousands of my generation to AIDS and the waves of survivor’s guilt that peak and trough over the year… However, there were and are so many people worse off than I am, with far greater tragedies they have survived. Again, let me acknowledge that I am so lucky to have been born the son of teachers who saw that I had a good start and learned to think critically. Because in the healthcare morass, one needs an advanced degree in medicine and economics to figure out how to get care. I’ve jumped through more hoops than a circus pony just to get a prescription refilled.
Kiran: From your experience how do you think attitudes towards HIV and AIDS have changed?
Doug: As the AIDS epidemic progressed, I saw the activation of the gay and lesbian communities beyond issues of equality and sexual freedom. It was a fight for life itself. Before the epidemic, the gay community and the lesbian community interacted less with each other. As the epidemic continued, there was more of a coming together of the two communities and in the inclusion of Bisexuals and Transgender folks, as well. When high profile celebrities or sports figures were infected, the social stigma began to crack ever so slightly. As the science became more widely known, some of the irrational fear lessened. In 1987, I moved to Atlanta from New York and joined an HIV/AIDS support group. A photographer came to one of our meetings at someone’s invitation and explained that his book project was to document people with HIV/AIDS by taking their portrait in black and white and then, under their portrait, they could inscribe whatever they wanted to say. Billy Howard was the photographer and I volunteered to be photographed, on the condition of anonymity. Being new to Atlanta and wanting to act there, I didn’t want the story of my HIV status getting out in front of me, possibly causing me to lose jobs, be denied health insurance, etc. He agreed and photographed me in my apartment living room with a turtleneck sweater pulled up to over my nose and my hands on my face, one covering an eye. In 2008, Billy and I met up again. He was shocked to see me alive. He said he believed that most everyone he photographed for his book was dead. He asked to take another photograph. This time, in color, full-faced, sweater unzipped, and able to say my name in public without the fear of the past.
Kiran: What is the one thing or story you most want people to remember about you?
Doug: I would like to be remembered as a good son, brother, uncle, and friend to the people I have been blessed to spend time with in my life. And, I’d like to be remembered as a talented man who wrote and performed “Gone with the Wind in 20 Minutes.”
See more of his work at the website of Billy Howard.
Kiran: Could you tell me about yourself?
Doug: In 1958, I was born on a June Saturday morning in Charleston, West Virginia. That makes me a Gemini, for those interested in such things. I graduated from West Virginia University with a Bachelors of Fine Arts in Theatre (cum laude) and moved to the Big Apple, where I rarely worked as an actor, but mostly did office work in an advertising agency. Thank goodness I took that “touch typing” class in tenth grade! I have three older brothers. Our father died about a year after I was born, so our mother raised four sons in a time before single motherhood was fashionable. She was a very strong, smart, beautiful woman who sang operatic soprano leads with the Charleston Symphony. She taught voice and piano lessons in our home. After she passed away in 2008, a childhood friend who had taken piano lessons from her wrote to me, “Your mother could be, at one moment, utterly charming and, in the next, completely terrifying! She did not put up with laziness in her students.” Nor did she put up with much of anything from her sons – or anyone else. She taught me to stand up for myself when I am in the right and do not back down. It has been put to the test many times in my life. Speaking of tests, I tested HIV positive in September 1985, while living in New York City.
Kiran: What are you passionate about today?
Doug: I love my family and my friends, who are like an extended family to me. I am passionate about social and economic justice, as well as, a fair and transparent democracy. I am an Episcopalian with a deep, personal relationship with God – he’s usually right, by the way, which makes it a “complicated” relationship for me. Yet, it is the single most important relationship that sustains me. I love music, films (mostly classic ones), history, and travel. I’m passionate about the need for universal, pre-natal-to-palliative healthcare coverage for all Americans. We pay more money per capita for healthcare, yet have very poor results when compared to other nations with universal coverage.
Kiran: How would you describe some of the struggles that you have faced?
Doug: Since my HIV infection, the main struggle in my life has been securing and maintaining health insurance. Honestly, I have been extremely L-U-C-K-Y! My immune system fought the virus by itself, pretty much, for about 11 years. Then, I needed medication. Since it would be financially impossible for me to obtain a private insurance policy, I have had to be anchored to regular employment in office administration with companies large enough to carry me on their policies. I was trapped in a cycle of jobs that were not my calling to pay for healthcare to keep me alive to go to a job that was not my calling to pay for healthcare to keep me alive so I could go to a job…I have felt rather like Sisyphus for most of my adult life. Another ongoing struggle is the emotional toll of losing many friends and thousands of my generation to AIDS and the waves of survivor’s guilt that peak and trough over the year… However, there were and are so many people worse off than I am, with far greater tragedies they have survived. Again, let me acknowledge that I am so lucky to have been born the son of teachers who saw that I had a good start and learned to think critically. Because in the healthcare morass, one needs an advanced degree in medicine and economics to figure out how to get care. I’ve jumped through more hoops than a circus pony just to get a prescription refilled.
Kiran: From your experience how do you think attitudes towards HIV and AIDS have changed?
Doug: As the AIDS epidemic progressed, I saw the activation of the gay and lesbian communities beyond issues of equality and sexual freedom. It was a fight for life itself. Before the epidemic, the gay community and the lesbian community interacted less with each other. As the epidemic continued, there was more of a coming together of the two communities and in the inclusion of Bisexuals and Transgender folks, as well. When high profile celebrities or sports figures were infected, the social stigma began to crack ever so slightly. As the science became more widely known, some of the irrational fear lessened. In 1987, I moved to Atlanta from New York and joined an HIV/AIDS support group. A photographer came to one of our meetings at someone’s invitation and explained that his book project was to document people with HIV/AIDS by taking their portrait in black and white and then, under their portrait, they could inscribe whatever they wanted to say. Billy Howard was the photographer and I volunteered to be photographed, on the condition of anonymity. Being new to Atlanta and wanting to act there, I didn’t want the story of my HIV status getting out in front of me, possibly causing me to lose jobs, be denied health insurance, etc. He agreed and photographed me in my apartment living room with a turtleneck sweater pulled up to over my nose and my hands on my face, one covering an eye. In 2008, Billy and I met up again. He was shocked to see me alive. He said he believed that most everyone he photographed for his book was dead. He asked to take another photograph. This time, in color, full-faced, sweater unzipped, and able to say my name in public without the fear of the past.
Kiran: What is the one thing or story you most want people to remember about you?
Doug: I would like to be remembered as a good son, brother, uncle, and friend to the people I have been blessed to spend time with in my life. And, I’d like to be remembered as a talented man who wrote and performed “Gone with the Wind in 20 Minutes.”
See more of his work at the website of Billy Howard.