Annie Johnson Photo by Kiran Singh Sirah
Annie Johnson's Story of Transition
Collected by Kiran Singh Sirah
There are a lot of people who want to learn how to deal with their own discrimination. If other people do not give you a chance to be different with them, I don’t know what you do, but if they do give you a chance, you need to be centered, and you need to deal with other people’s discomfort by being friendly and open.
I was born in Indianapolis in 1950. Transition for me means a whole bunch of things. After I transitioned, my mom told me that when I was about 18 months old, I used to climb up on to her bed and get into her night gowns. I had my first haircut when I was two, I had long curly blonde hair down to my shoulders, and when it all went, I think at that point, at some level, I knew they were going to make me be a boy, and so the experience was really traumatic. When I try and put myself back, mentally, in elementary school, there is this sense of terror that came from the fact that I had to be a boy, which I did not know how to do. I wanted to be a girl. I just felt lost.
It is very common for transsexuals to lose their family, their jobs, and friends, literally a lot of people lose everything, and then many transsexuals end up working on the street, because often there is nothing else that they can do.
There were times that not dealing with my gender identity issues kind of overwhelmed me. I’ve told people before that most of the things I have done in my life that I am ashamed of came out of not dealing with my gender identity issues, because there was all of this latent energy looking for a way out. This all the more reinforces to me the importance that LGBT people and people anywhere that have issues and who are not dealing with them—these can come back and blindside you and make you do things that you would not normally do.
I spent forty years pretending to be a guy, and when I was in transition, I was also pretending to be a girl, because I just didn’t know how to be a girl. When I first went out in public as a woman I was scared half to death, and all I did was go for a walk. Later I got to where I went out and shopped, but I could tell that I was being read as “a man in a dress”. The next day I went out again and a salesclerk came up to me from behind, and asked if she could help me, and I
“Confidence...is so important, because people pick up on discomfort and then they start to wonder what’s wrong.”
just fell apart. I quickly left the store, and found a bench and sat down. I thought to myself that my reaction was so stupid, and remembered that I had shopped for women’s clothes as a man, and joked with the sales clerks. I decided that I needed to put that attitude on, that I was going to just have a good time, and if anyone read me the rest of the day I couldn’t tell. Confidence—being comfortable with yourself—is so important, because people pick up on discomfort and then they start to wonder what’s wrong. When I got well into my transition, I realized that what I most needed was to be accepted in the women’s community. This is the most important thing to me.
Nowadays I live pretty much out as a transgendered person. I don’t wear a sign on my head saying that I am TG, but I also am not embarrassed about it. If I speak with someone for more than a few minutes I almost always tell them that I am TG. My rule is that if I am avoiding saying things to hide that I am TG, it’s time to tell. I think that my self-confidence combined with the live and let live attitudes where I live allow me to be as out as I am. I am one of those very few people that get both Mother’s Day cards and Father’s Day cards. My forty two year old daughter said to me when I told her I was going to transition, “I’ve always been who I thought I should be, and you should be who you think you should be, but you’ll always be my daddy.” She writes me notes, and signs them saying “Dear Daddy” [smiles].
When Harvey Milk was active in San Francisco, before he was assassinated, one of his big messages was that you have to be out, because when you’re out, your neighbors, your family, your straight friends will come “Confidence...is so important, because people pick up on discomfort and then they start to wonder what’s wrong.” to know someone who’s gay, and knowing that you’re a good person, the idea that you’re gay, doesn’t then automatically mean you’re a bad, evil, or terrible person. I think people being out is the single biggest factor in changing attitudes.
Collected by Kiran Singh Sirah
There are a lot of people who want to learn how to deal with their own discrimination. If other people do not give you a chance to be different with them, I don’t know what you do, but if they do give you a chance, you need to be centered, and you need to deal with other people’s discomfort by being friendly and open.
I was born in Indianapolis in 1950. Transition for me means a whole bunch of things. After I transitioned, my mom told me that when I was about 18 months old, I used to climb up on to her bed and get into her night gowns. I had my first haircut when I was two, I had long curly blonde hair down to my shoulders, and when it all went, I think at that point, at some level, I knew they were going to make me be a boy, and so the experience was really traumatic. When I try and put myself back, mentally, in elementary school, there is this sense of terror that came from the fact that I had to be a boy, which I did not know how to do. I wanted to be a girl. I just felt lost.
It is very common for transsexuals to lose their family, their jobs, and friends, literally a lot of people lose everything, and then many transsexuals end up working on the street, because often there is nothing else that they can do.
There were times that not dealing with my gender identity issues kind of overwhelmed me. I’ve told people before that most of the things I have done in my life that I am ashamed of came out of not dealing with my gender identity issues, because there was all of this latent energy looking for a way out. This all the more reinforces to me the importance that LGBT people and people anywhere that have issues and who are not dealing with them—these can come back and blindside you and make you do things that you would not normally do.
I spent forty years pretending to be a guy, and when I was in transition, I was also pretending to be a girl, because I just didn’t know how to be a girl. When I first went out in public as a woman I was scared half to death, and all I did was go for a walk. Later I got to where I went out and shopped, but I could tell that I was being read as “a man in a dress”. The next day I went out again and a salesclerk came up to me from behind, and asked if she could help me, and I
“Confidence...is so important, because people pick up on discomfort and then they start to wonder what’s wrong.”
just fell apart. I quickly left the store, and found a bench and sat down. I thought to myself that my reaction was so stupid, and remembered that I had shopped for women’s clothes as a man, and joked with the sales clerks. I decided that I needed to put that attitude on, that I was going to just have a good time, and if anyone read me the rest of the day I couldn’t tell. Confidence—being comfortable with yourself—is so important, because people pick up on discomfort and then they start to wonder what’s wrong. When I got well into my transition, I realized that what I most needed was to be accepted in the women’s community. This is the most important thing to me.
Nowadays I live pretty much out as a transgendered person. I don’t wear a sign on my head saying that I am TG, but I also am not embarrassed about it. If I speak with someone for more than a few minutes I almost always tell them that I am TG. My rule is that if I am avoiding saying things to hide that I am TG, it’s time to tell. I think that my self-confidence combined with the live and let live attitudes where I live allow me to be as out as I am. I am one of those very few people that get both Mother’s Day cards and Father’s Day cards. My forty two year old daughter said to me when I told her I was going to transition, “I’ve always been who I thought I should be, and you should be who you think you should be, but you’ll always be my daddy.” She writes me notes, and signs them saying “Dear Daddy” [smiles].
When Harvey Milk was active in San Francisco, before he was assassinated, one of his big messages was that you have to be out, because when you’re out, your neighbors, your family, your straight friends will come “Confidence...is so important, because people pick up on discomfort and then they start to wonder what’s wrong.” to know someone who’s gay, and knowing that you’re a good person, the idea that you’re gay, doesn’t then automatically mean you’re a bad, evil, or terrible person. I think people being out is the single biggest factor in changing attitudes.